Psalm 23

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

Fear, or not fear

Another year has almost come to the end, with joys and tears, with sorrows and broken spirits.

It has been almost four months since the break with Left here, I wonder if he has ever come back to the blog and visited the dream we once held. Everyday, I wake up doing the same robotic routine to work and come back, I know that I should be focusing on God and trusting in His will but yet I still struggle with emotions and sorrows every night I wake up, after dreaming about him.

Love is a pain, it takes a second to fall in love with someone and takes forever to forget. I still see Left at tawkendoo once a week,  Seeing him happy already makes me feel content and happy :). The other Sunday morning, I was in the car with church people, and at the turning point, there I saw him in the car with his mum, I am not sure if he noticed me, but I saw him, as usual, wearing that blue shirt, he is still the same Edward, but yet, I am not yet to be in his presence.I see him, but I cannot speak to him, as I fear I will scare him away as I already promised to give him time, and feelings and emotions cant bring us any results but yet, I still feel.

I must suppress, so he wouldnt have to worry and so he can focus on achieving his dreams, and I have to accomplish mine.  Admittedly, I do fear of losing him from the very beginnings when my heart was touched by him, I looked at my letter to his confession back in 2012 and I suddenly realized that, the things I wrote about, the things I worry about, the things I fear, no matter how hard I tried, still ended up coming, I realized, the more I fear, the less I feel secure. The moment is you get  is the moment you start losing. When you start to care, that is when you start to get hurt. And yet, why do we still care and love if all those feelings led to nothing?

I was speaking to Pastor Sean about this morning. For a long talk, I spoke to him about a lot things about God and his words. And I began to realize the form of idolatry I was performing the whole time during this relationship, I fear of losing him, disappointing him and hurting him, this fear has taken over my focus on God and for a long time, I did not see this problem. I love him, but yet, I did not love God enough that I put all my trust and my life onto him.

During the sermon this morning, I saw the point of suffering that God has brought to me and Right in this relationship.  In Isaiah 51:15, it says " I am the Lord your God, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar".  God is the one that saw this suffering coming and He allows it to happen so we are able to grow in faith, faith to testify our love for Him.  To make us not rely on our ability and strengths but rather God. Yes, God did not have any obligation to mend my broken heart and this relationship as for a long time, I worshiped this idea of fear when God, the mighty God has been around me the whole time. Whom should I fear when you have God? But I did not see until now. God whispers when we are in joy and shouts to us when we are broken, with suffering, we are then able to see his eternal love and the power of His words.

Why should I fear of losing him or him losing interests in me, if I remain strong with God and walk with him? Why should I fear that he will find someone else, if I have God in me? Yet, in the mist of world full of temptations and ugliness, I need to stand strong and not fear anything but God, as He will entrust me with true happiness and. It is about my personal relationship with God, and fear of losing anything in this world is a form of idolatry and yet, this will weaken my bond with God, which I must stay firm, and wait for God to "still the waves of the sea", so I am able to grasp a glimpse of his power.

Trust and Faith

Last Saturday I met this wonderful lady called Frances who I saw the light of God in her. It was a busy morning as usual, where I got dressed up and caught the early 8am 130 bus. 

Rushing to the bus stop, I saw this lady smiling at me, I nodded at her and she said good morning. I nodded back and started talking about the bus to kill time. She was about 84 year old, looking healthy and happy, grabbing a bag with puppy design which I found very cute: 3.

 As we spoke about the reason why she was up so early, she moved closer towards me and that was when I saw tears in her eyes; that her husband passed away last month. At that time, I was not sure whether to hug a stranger like that, so I ended up apologising:” I am very sorry to hear about that”. 

She asked if she could sit down right next to me on the bus as we hopped on, which I found was very polite. And this was when I got to know more of her personal story.

 She and her husband had been married for almost 68 years happily, contentedly and peacefully. She said that she loved him so much, so when he passed away, she couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t walk or couldn’t go outside. 

“I loved him so much”, for a second, I was amazed by how much emotion the words came to me. I was speechless, for the power of love it came across me. The only thing I could do is to look at her as she continued to talk. 

" I could not get out my bed, I lost myself and the purpose of living every day I woke up. I walked into the same room where he used to be, everything was there but him. He was gone. I was devastated...until the God said to me, you have to get up.... that was when I realized that I must not live like this anymore and decided to meet people, to see the world around me". 

That was why she walked out today and met up with the lady who she sat down for 2 hours at the food court the other day. She told me how she went rock climbing, walking and doing all the activities that kept her alive and energetic, and she told me that how amazing it is to have the Lord in her life and that God will always love you no matter what. She then continued telling me about 8 great great grandchildren she had and how her 26 year-old granddaughter and her boyfriend quit their awesome jobs with good pay in order to volunteer and to teach English in Vietnam, and that they thoroughly enjoyed the decision  they made. From her words, I could see her pride in her children and the excitement she has as she will be travelling overseas next year to celebrate her 85 year old birthday. 

 We laughed at her silly things she did and how she told me if it's God's will, she will find a great partner to accompany the rest of her life journey. But he must love the God wholeheartedly, who does not smoke, drink and loves her. She said although she cannot see the future, but she knows that she is going to have a lot of fun, laughter and joy as she has faith in God. And I believe that was what God has been trying to say to me as well as our baptism session was centered on Hebrew 11:11 "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see..." Faith is a wonderful thing, the power of eternal God. 

  She swept my fringe as she looked at me and said: “you are still young, some or the world may come to corrupt your body, but don’t let them corrupt your mind, remain a truthful and grateful heart to the Lord, listen to His words." I looked at her, nodding my head in silence... 

When she spoke to me, I felt refreshed and happy, it was no longer a chat between an old lady with a young girl, but a heart to a heart. She was wonderful,cheerful, despite of the things she went through. From her, I saw courage, I saw how powerful faith can be, I realized that attitudes can change the world you see, I saw the light of God in her. I realized how God has always been there for me, trying to guide me when I am in a world of darkness. I must not fear or fall, but hold firmly to His hands, not to be swirled by the temptation and corruption of the sins.

You are destined to meet some certain people, they come and leave at certain time but God has a reason for you to meet them, to enrich, to nourish, to influence, to make you become a better person which is able to walk closer with Him. 

In Jesus's name,

We Pray.

The Season of Waiting

The season of waiting

I wonder since when time has gone past faster than it has used to be. It has almost reached the end of October and this week Right is going to take full commitment to walk with God and get baptized this week, I am feeling the mix of excitements, joy and pressure. Yes, it is like a marriage vow, for better or worse in life, you stand by strong and firm to the one you choose, and I have chosen God to be with me. In fact, He has always been with me, waiting for me.

The other day I was reading this article called “The season of waiting” which actually gave me some guidance about what I should be doing in my life. I found this article great which I also shared with Left’s besties as well. They are wonderful God’s followers. Here are a few things that I feel like reminding of myself every day, especially when life has got in the way, and you feel like giving up. 

So here is goes directly from the article:

1)     Don't Try to Do Life Alone

We often have time where we struggle in life, self- absorbing in pity, wondering why I am the one suffering this.  The author actually shared the personal experiences:  “Although meaningful relationships were the one thing I longed for above anything else, I was terrified of being rejected. And so I became known as the girl who never admitted a need, never burdened anyone with my problems. If there were tears to be cried, I cried them behind closed doors. If there were hurts and fears to be dealt with, I waited until no one else was around. I was the one everyone came to with their problems, but rarely would I risk letting them see the wounds in my own heart.”

I feel that God has spoken to me via those articles, as those are exactly written for me. After the break with Left, I tried to smile and try to occupy myself with work and studies, pretending like nothing really happened even though it still hurts inside, even though I know I still preserve a spot for him in my heart. So many times, I dreamt of holding his hands,feeling the warmth of his hugs but then woke up crying in tears back in reality. A hug can easily make me burst into tears.  It was painful, slow and scary if I did not have God with me through those nights.

But “God whispers when you are in joy and shouts to you when you are in pain”, this is exactly how I feel right now. God did not let me stand alone, this is a process He designed for me as He is doing some of his most powerful work on me. If it's growth, freedom, maturity, wholeness, and restoration we're after. Every prayer I gave myself to Him, He listened, He responded, and He guided me, and told me that I am not alone. I gave my burdens and suffering to him, He has comforted me and gave me strengths and power when trouble comes. Time spent with God in my deepest prayer is definitely worth it, as He let me feel how great His love is for us and that I am not alone. Without Him, I was not able to smile again and stand strong.

2)     Look Back at What God Has Done

The work of God is everlasting and always continuing, if you open your heart and soul to fil yourself full with Holy Spirit and remain a humble and a grateful heart. God has transformed me in many ways, and it is amazing to see how far you have progressed.

And I guess this is one of the great thing why God has kept me writing this blog, to write down and always remember the wonderful things He has done in us, because:

“It's so easy to lose perspective in a long period of waiting, but looking back and seeing God's faithfulness gives me the courage I need to keep hanging on. If he's already brought me this far, why should I doubt that he'll keep leading me in the future? Why should I think he's not going to finish the work he started? I'm like the Israelites wandering around in the desert, so quickly forgetting how God led them out of Egypt and across the Red Sea, giving them manna to eat and water to drink and rescuing them from their enemies. But I don't want to lose sight of everything he's done, even though right now the next thing seems so far away.”

3)     Figure Out What Makes You Come Alive

This is in fact one of the biggest messages God wanted me to focus, to figure out what my life purpose is. At work, our manager brought up a concept of Ikigai and invited us to brainstorm the meanings of our life and what keeps us up every morning. The first thing that I wrote down was God without any hesitation, but I struggled to figure out what my passion is and what my profession would be in order to fulfill my life goal which is to be like Christ and walk in the light of Him. This got me in quite deep thinking for a while, partially I always feel like there is some kind of unknown power filling me up with energy and optimism, making the person who I am now, but yet for many years, I wonderful why I was born like this, if there was a reason for this? And then lately I have been having this strong interest in ministry teaching. As I am still trying to figure my life puzzle pieces, God has slowly enlightened and left me with a clue, that teaching his words through the power of education is the way for me....

4)     Learn to Rest

I feel that this is still something I need to improve on, I just fear that if I stopped, then I will let sadness and emotions taken over me. But then I realised that God would like me to rest, just so my heart can come alive. Because "as long as there's life in my heart, I know I can keep waiting and trusting and hoping for the day when God will bring answers to the deeper questions I'm wrestling with." If God already lives in me, I should have no fear of falling back into sadness when I am at rest, because when I am with Him, I am not alone, and He will not let me fall. And Left also said that he would like to see a Happy, cheerful, healthy Right not consumed by work and pressure, but who lives with Christ and do whatever that pleases him. And if I cannot love my body and set it to rest when it needs to be, how can I continue desiring for God's blessings and others' love for me?

I pray that God can help me stay strong and faithful to His words, and so I will not be able to fall and lose faith and hope when troubles come in life.

In Jesus’s name,

We pray

Psalm 73

Psalm 73

A psalm of Asaph.

¹ Surely God is good to Israel,
    to those who are pure in heart.

² But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
    I had nearly lost my foothold.
³ For I envied the arrogant
    when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

⁴ They have no struggles;
    their bodies are healthy and strong.^[a]
5 They are free from common human burdens;
    they are not plagued by human ills.
⁶ Therefore pride is their necklace;
    they clothe themselves with violence.
⁷ From their callous hearts comes iniquity^[b];
    their evil imaginations have no limits.
⁸ They scoff, and speak with malice;
    with arrogance they threaten oppression.
⁹ Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
    and their tongues take possession of the earth.
¹⁰ Therefore their people turn to them
    and drink up waters in abundance.^[c]
11 They say, “How would God know?
    Does the Most High know anything?”

¹² This is what the wicked are like—
    always free of care, they go on amassing wealth.

¹³ Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure
    and have washed my hands in innocence.
¹⁴ All day long I have been afflicted,
    and every morning brings new punishments.

¹⁵ If I had spoken out like that,
    I would have betrayed your children.
¹⁶ When I tried to understand all this,
    it troubled me deeply
¹⁷ till I entered the sanctuary of God;
    then I understood their final destiny.

¹⁸ Surely you place them on slippery ground;
    you cast them down to ruin.
¹⁹ How suddenly are they destroyed,
    completely swept away by terrors!
²⁰ They are like a dream when one awakes;
    when you arise, Lord,
    you will despise them as fantasies.

²¹ When my heart was grieved
    and my spirit embittered,
²² I was senseless and ignorant;
    I was a brute beast before you.

²³ Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory.
²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

²⁷ Those who are far from you will perish;
    you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
²⁸ But as for me, it is good to be near God.
    I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
    I will tell of all your deeds.

Peace and Joy

Left's 18th birthday is just 10 mins away...

Put faith in God and let Him take Control

Put faith in God and let Him take Control

For the past few weeks, I have been battling against my strong emotions that are burning in my heart. Yes, indeed, I missed Left so much so much that it burns me. The feelings have overwhelmed me many nights and days where I felt like walking with no soul. :( I felt like that my heart was pierced with millions of needles and broken glasses, and the numbers kept adding on. Apparently, Left seemed to have a friend from Law where she and him shared good vibes. That brought me straight down into the deepest depression and sadness. I was jealous, but hopeless, as I have set him free.

Then I realised that this is not what God wanted me to dwell on. Feeling depressed and insecure was not the right direction, as negativity does not bring happiness and calmness. This is when I turned to God. I was hopeless and lost and then I prayed to God for his guidance, and He did not forget me. He reminded me of the mistake I made in the past, where I put Left as my idol, my whole world, so then when I felt those ugly human emotions, they took over me so easily. 

So last night, I knelt down at my bed and prayed deeply. In fact, I have been praying for a long time to seek for guidance.  Before I wasn’t sure whether God would notice my prayer,but I just have a feeling that He will. And the truth is, He did not forget about us. In the dream, He sent down Left to tell me that he was drawn by my goodness, my compassion, my strength and prays that I can continue remaining kind and let my compassionate nature shine. I must put all my trust in God, I must trust Left. I cannot let my insecurity and those emotions to top over me, and the only way to do this is to be faithful to God, and entrust Him with my whole life.  No matter what results are at the end of three years, I believe God will bless us with maturity and growth. God will never leave with us alone, he is the anchor of my soul and happiness, and I have come to realise that. And when the time comes, we will be able to treat the one with grace and love.

God has been watching over us from the very beginning because He loved us so much and so dearly. I remember how earlier Left and me received the quote: “Keep your heads up in the right direction and you don’t need to worry about your feet”., He has a great plan for both of us and that every decision we made in life does not come with nothing, and every challenge and breakdown is to draw us closer to God. He is always there, seek him for guidance and put your whole faith in Him.

Love is kind, love is patient. It does not envy. I remember reading this from the wall in Left’s room. I should focus on God, I must “Be strong and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the LORD.” Psalm 31:24 

In Jesus's name, we pray :]

Words and Promises

" Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth". Matthews 21:28-32

God has always been there for me, I can feel that He is trying to give me a message each month. And I believe that He wants to tell me the meaning of promises for the past few days. Last week, I went to Left's place to clear our minds off on something. I went to his place with the promises he wrote for me back on my 18th birthday and I realized that while promises without action and love, they are just words.

That day, I followed my instincts and walked to Left's house, from the path we used to take to visit his primary school. As I walked along the path, my mind was full of the image of us holding hands together walking and laughing back in the day when we used to be. Time has flied so fast, that everything has turned into memories.  Those memories are like an old film player with no switch off button ; just keeps on playing again and again in your head non-stop...

I slowed down near the tree where we used to lay under, for a while, I just stared at the grass, thinking about our first date, the look he had in his eyes, the words he whispered to me when we were looking at the sky.. "Hey, doesn't that cloud look like a heart to you?"

Maybe I am holding onto him too much, maybe all the promises we once shared were just words and naively, I chose to believe them. But the fact is that it was my feelings that led me to think his words as promises, and in fact, I may have said words where he believed in but then I could not keep up with them because I was lazy and irresponsible. I did not speak with love and actions when I was supposed to, and I gave out promises that were just made up of words.

Now I paid the sacrifice and suffered from the pain for my ignorance and irresponsibility. I wanted to mend the mistakes by keeping up every word I say from now on and actually fulfill the promises I gave out to people because words are empty without actions and commitments.

I do not want to give people hopes up and leave them with a simply apology about me not able to keep up with words I said.  I wanted to be responsible and committed to promises I give out from now. When God says He loves us, He did not hesitate by sending his only son to wash away our sins. He spoke with faithfulness and love, He did not turn away from us even though we have hung Jesus on the cross. God is faithful and does what He promises.

In the world these days, the faithfulness and responsibility are ceasing and this makes us prone to sins and corruptions. Because keeping up with a promise is hard, it requires dedication, hardship and commitment and not everyone can do it because it is a long process. However, that is why it is so precious when someone does fulfill their promises to you. By being responsible and committed to every word we say, this will bring us courage and strengths as we are able to follow and remain faithful to God's words.

"Be thou faithful unto death and I will give you the crown of life. It means that in order to receive the crown of life, we all have to be faithful. You will not miss your crown in Jesus name."Rev 2

Love and let go.

There must be a God, and I believe it is true...

 It has been a long time since Left& Right returned to our sweet home, due to other commitments we have in life. Today is the last day Left& Right being as one before moving on exploring the world separately, we both know that at this young age, we have a long journey to go, as we are not ready for a relationship yet. We both understand that for the past few months, we were trying to adjust our lifestyle and adapt to changes, as Left got into Law, and Right got a full time consultant job. And when we ponder on the purpose of life and relationship, we realise while seemingly being compatible right now, we are not emotionally, financially and spiritually ready and it is the time to let go some of strings you are bound to, in order to see more, to reach more, to enjoy more. 

And if we are bound to be together at the end, we will be ready by then to grow together again stronger as one to serve under the name of Jesus Christ. It is terribly painful for Right at the start as Right did not expect anything at all. When everything seems so perfect to you, you won’t be able to see the needs to change, to grow, and to mature. However, after nights of crying and tears, I became to see Left’s view and felt so grateful that Left has given me this chance to see the world from a new perspective, and to once again, have freedom to explore, to adventure and to find the purpose of life, to live for myself. I still love him, I still do. There is no doubt of that. It is just that this is not the right time yet.  I do believe that he is God’s angel for me sent from the heaven, as I could see the reflection of me in his eyes. God wanted me to be patient, he wanted to upgrade me, so when I do find the ideal partner, he will be sure that we will last forever. I know at this point, this is the best for Left and Right. We just need to put our trust in Him, as our mighty God.  Because when we do believe, he will send down his blessings and miracles. We just have to believe that and follow his words wholeheartedly. When it is the right time, he will come back. When he is ready, he will come back, I know he will, because God brought him into my life for a reason.

It has been 3 years Left& Right met and fell in love with each other, and that is exactly how long we think we should wait roughly in order to be ready for a relationship. Left told me not to necessarily wait for him because he will feel guilty, I will not wait for him, but rather wait for myself to be ready for a relationship in the next 3 years. I will stick to my words and promises I made, I know I will, because for me, love is not a feeling, love is a choice.  And as God says, we choose to love, and that is why despite of us being so sinful, he still chooses to love us. When God lives in your heart, he will give the power to stay strong and to grow to be like him.

People always say that memories will fade away, however, if you review them regularly and dust the dirt on them, they will always remain clear and new to you. So what Right has decided for now is that on the 2nd and 22nd of each month, I will write an entry about the memories that Left& Right had before during that month. 

When I say I do, this is a promise.

Honestly, I don't know the future holds(no one knows), but I fully believe by doing this, it makes me feel happy and let me have no regrets as I know that I will have tried my best and found out what a person I can be. You might think me so naive and so committed, but I was born this way, and there is a reason why God created me this way,it is to bring down blessings and amaze the people around me through my dedication and action that how powerful his power can be. 

What I have gained from the past few days, is the power of God’s love, and how loving he is to loves us so much that he sends his only son to us, a world full of sins and dangers. The hardest thing in this world is to set someone free. I remember when I was little, Mum brought us home two beautiful parrots home, one was forest green and one was passion red. One day, my sister accidentally let the green one slip away. He never flew back, leaving the red parrot suffer on her own for months. She didn’t eat, she didn’t drink, all day long, she stood there glazing the blue sky out of the cage, burning in loneliness. I remember seeing the pains and sadness in her eyes, and when we finally set her free, she spread her wings and flew out so fast, and flew so high above the sky… We don’t know if she found the forest green and her happiness at the end; we don’t know what happened afterwards, however, at that moment, she must be very happy...

And this is the power of love, when you truly love someone so much, you will return whatever they want to make them happy, in a similar way, how God loved us so much that he gave his son to redeem our sins and become joyful and fully happy. However, God’s love is much stronger, more selfless and more power beyond what we can imagine. But because of Left, I was able to feel our God’s love more, and I am so grateful that I am able to make this choice, and let Left find what he wants and the purpose of life. I love him so much, and that is why I set him free.

Thank you for all the good times and love, Left.

All of the best days of my life.

For now,  what I can do is to live for myself, and believe that God will shine happiness upon both of us.

In God's name, we pray. 

Expectations

Expectations 

Be the knight in your darkest night. 

We never stopped having expectations of others since when we were little.

In movies, we anticipated superheroes to rescue the innocent. 

In fairy tales, we expected Prince Charming to eventually marry the beautiful princess.  

Even when we grew up, those expectations of others never receded.  

We wished the boss could recognize and promote us; we wished for more holidays and vacations.  

We wished the financial crisis never happened and every family could live with no burdens and hassles.  

We wished our partners could be more loving and parents to be less demanding and annoying.  

So many expectations were made in life about others as if they would never stop. 

Every day, we relied on others to accomplish things we wanted to complete, as those were out of their own responsibility. 

And when things didn't work out exactly the way we imagined, we became disappointed, crushed and burnt. 

We whinged, we shouted and we screamed at those who we gave command to. 

The feelings of disappointment challenged and pushed us through the boundaries, and some of us even lost our temper. 

Some tried to compensate themselves by focusing on other people's mistakes and blamed them for all failure as it was wholly theirs. 

However, we never realized that the problems in fact occurred on ourselves.  

Left once told me, that no one cant lead your life and tell you exactly what to do.  

If this was true, why let other people's action lead you and achieve things that you could have achieved yourself in life?  

Everyone is an individual person whose action and thoughts aren't in your control.  

The only way to eliminate your disappointment and gain more happiness is to stop expecting others. 
Instead, you should focus on what and how to unleash  your potential and achieve GREAT things in life. 

Some may say having more expectations of yourself means more disappointments and pain in return, and you might even end up hurting yourself. 

While it might seem reasonable, don't forget what you have in hand is the power to choose not to be disappointed or in pain, and we call that powerful tool, attitude.  

 You are your own commander, and you know exactly what would strive you in achieving your expectations and  what brings you ♥ happiness&joy♥.

Left has shared with me a poem before and i thought this would be a good way to end with the last two lines from this poem: 

'I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul'

        If you want to achieve great things in life, don't rely on others to complete them for you because they are not you. No one knows what you wanted to achieve the most in life, and the best way to overcome challenges and difficulties. 

The only way to live your life to the fullest, the happiest and the coolest is to follow your heart. 

          So why not be your knight in the darkest night when no one does it better than you do?