Fear, or not fear

Another year has almost come to the end, with joys and tears, with sorrows and broken spirits.

It has been almost four months since the break with Left here, I wonder if he has ever come back to the blog and visited the dream we once held. Everyday, I wake up doing the same robotic routine to work and come back, I know that I should be focusing on God and trusting in His will but yet I still struggle with emotions and sorrows every night I wake up, after dreaming about him.

Love is a pain, it takes a second to fall in love with someone and takes forever to forget. I still see Left at tawkendoo once a week,  Seeing him happy already makes me feel content and happy :). The other Sunday morning, I was in the car with church people, and at the turning point, there I saw him in the car with his mum, I am not sure if he noticed me, but I saw him, as usual, wearing that blue shirt, he is still the same Edward, but yet, I am not yet to be in his presence.I see him, but I cannot speak to him, as I fear I will scare him away as I already promised to give him time, and feelings and emotions cant bring us any results but yet, I still feel.

I must suppress, so he wouldnt have to worry and so he can focus on achieving his dreams, and I have to accomplish mine.  Admittedly, I do fear of losing him from the very beginnings when my heart was touched by him, I looked at my letter to his confession back in 2012 and I suddenly realized that, the things I wrote about, the things I worry about, the things I fear, no matter how hard I tried, still ended up coming, I realized, the more I fear, the less I feel secure. The moment is you get  is the moment you start losing. When you start to care, that is when you start to get hurt. And yet, why do we still care and love if all those feelings led to nothing?

I was speaking to Pastor Sean about this morning. For a long talk, I spoke to him about a lot things about God and his words. And I began to realize the form of idolatry I was performing the whole time during this relationship, I fear of losing him, disappointing him and hurting him, this fear has taken over my focus on God and for a long time, I did not see this problem. I love him, but yet, I did not love God enough that I put all my trust and my life onto him.

During the sermon this morning, I saw the point of suffering that God has brought to me and Right in this relationship.  In Isaiah 51:15, it says " I am the Lord your God, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar".  God is the one that saw this suffering coming and He allows it to happen so we are able to grow in faith, faith to testify our love for Him.  To make us not rely on our ability and strengths but rather God. Yes, God did not have any obligation to mend my broken heart and this relationship as for a long time, I worshiped this idea of fear when God, the mighty God has been around me the whole time. Whom should I fear when you have God? But I did not see until now. God whispers when we are in joy and shouts to us when we are broken, with suffering, we are then able to see his eternal love and the power of His words.

Why should I fear of losing him or him losing interests in me, if I remain strong with God and walk with him? Why should I fear that he will find someone else, if I have God in me? Yet, in the mist of world full of temptations and ugliness, I need to stand strong and not fear anything but God, as He will entrust me with true happiness and. It is about my personal relationship with God, and fear of losing anything in this world is a form of idolatry and yet, this will weaken my bond with God, which I must stay firm, and wait for God to "still the waves of the sea", so I am able to grasp a glimpse of his power.