Fear, or not fear

Another year has almost come to the end, with joys and tears, with sorrows and broken spirits.

It has been almost four months since the break with Left here, I wonder if he has ever come back to the blog and visited the dream we once held. Everyday, I wake up doing the same robotic routine to work and come back, I know that I should be focusing on God and trusting in His will but yet I still struggle with emotions and sorrows every night I wake up, after dreaming about him.

Love is a pain, it takes a second to fall in love with someone and takes forever to forget. I still see Left at tawkendoo once a week,  Seeing him happy already makes me feel content and happy :). The other Sunday morning, I was in the car with church people, and at the turning point, there I saw him in the car with his mum, I am not sure if he noticed me, but I saw him, as usual, wearing that blue shirt, he is still the same Edward, but yet, I am not yet to be in his presence.I see him, but I cannot speak to him, as I fear I will scare him away as I already promised to give him time, and feelings and emotions cant bring us any results but yet, I still feel.

I must suppress, so he wouldnt have to worry and so he can focus on achieving his dreams, and I have to accomplish mine.  Admittedly, I do fear of losing him from the very beginnings when my heart was touched by him, I looked at my letter to his confession back in 2012 and I suddenly realized that, the things I wrote about, the things I worry about, the things I fear, no matter how hard I tried, still ended up coming, I realized, the more I fear, the less I feel secure. The moment is you get  is the moment you start losing. When you start to care, that is when you start to get hurt. And yet, why do we still care and love if all those feelings led to nothing?

I was speaking to Pastor Sean about this morning. For a long talk, I spoke to him about a lot things about God and his words. And I began to realize the form of idolatry I was performing the whole time during this relationship, I fear of losing him, disappointing him and hurting him, this fear has taken over my focus on God and for a long time, I did not see this problem. I love him, but yet, I did not love God enough that I put all my trust and my life onto him.

During the sermon this morning, I saw the point of suffering that God has brought to me and Right in this relationship.  In Isaiah 51:15, it says " I am the Lord your God, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar".  God is the one that saw this suffering coming and He allows it to happen so we are able to grow in faith, faith to testify our love for Him.  To make us not rely on our ability and strengths but rather God. Yes, God did not have any obligation to mend my broken heart and this relationship as for a long time, I worshiped this idea of fear when God, the mighty God has been around me the whole time. Whom should I fear when you have God? But I did not see until now. God whispers when we are in joy and shouts to us when we are broken, with suffering, we are then able to see his eternal love and the power of His words.

Why should I fear of losing him or him losing interests in me, if I remain strong with God and walk with him? Why should I fear that he will find someone else, if I have God in me? Yet, in the mist of world full of temptations and ugliness, I need to stand strong and not fear anything but God, as He will entrust me with true happiness and. It is about my personal relationship with God, and fear of losing anything in this world is a form of idolatry and yet, this will weaken my bond with God, which I must stay firm, and wait for God to "still the waves of the sea", so I am able to grasp a glimpse of his power.

Trust and Faith

Last Saturday I met this wonderful lady called Frances who I saw the light of God in her. It was a busy morning as usual, where I got dressed up and caught the early 8am 130 bus. 

Rushing to the bus stop, I saw this lady smiling at me, I nodded at her and she said good morning. I nodded back and started talking about the bus to kill time. She was about 84 year old, looking healthy and happy, grabbing a bag with puppy design which I found very cute: 3.

 As we spoke about the reason why she was up so early, she moved closer towards me and that was when I saw tears in her eyes; that her husband passed away last month. At that time, I was not sure whether to hug a stranger like that, so I ended up apologising:” I am very sorry to hear about that”. 

She asked if she could sit down right next to me on the bus as we hopped on, which I found was very polite. And this was when I got to know more of her personal story.

 She and her husband had been married for almost 68 years happily, contentedly and peacefully. She said that she loved him so much, so when he passed away, she couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t walk or couldn’t go outside. 

“I loved him so much”, for a second, I was amazed by how much emotion the words came to me. I was speechless, for the power of love it came across me. The only thing I could do is to look at her as she continued to talk. 

" I could not get out my bed, I lost myself and the purpose of living every day I woke up. I walked into the same room where he used to be, everything was there but him. He was gone. I was devastated...until the God said to me, you have to get up.... that was when I realized that I must not live like this anymore and decided to meet people, to see the world around me". 

That was why she walked out today and met up with the lady who she sat down for 2 hours at the food court the other day. She told me how she went rock climbing, walking and doing all the activities that kept her alive and energetic, and she told me that how amazing it is to have the Lord in her life and that God will always love you no matter what. She then continued telling me about 8 great great grandchildren she had and how her 26 year-old granddaughter and her boyfriend quit their awesome jobs with good pay in order to volunteer and to teach English in Vietnam, and that they thoroughly enjoyed the decision  they made. From her words, I could see her pride in her children and the excitement she has as she will be travelling overseas next year to celebrate her 85 year old birthday. 

 We laughed at her silly things she did and how she told me if it's God's will, she will find a great partner to accompany the rest of her life journey. But he must love the God wholeheartedly, who does not smoke, drink and loves her. She said although she cannot see the future, but she knows that she is going to have a lot of fun, laughter and joy as she has faith in God. And I believe that was what God has been trying to say to me as well as our baptism session was centered on Hebrew 11:11 "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see..." Faith is a wonderful thing, the power of eternal God. 

  She swept my fringe as she looked at me and said: “you are still young, some or the world may come to corrupt your body, but don’t let them corrupt your mind, remain a truthful and grateful heart to the Lord, listen to His words." I looked at her, nodding my head in silence... 

When she spoke to me, I felt refreshed and happy, it was no longer a chat between an old lady with a young girl, but a heart to a heart. She was wonderful,cheerful, despite of the things she went through. From her, I saw courage, I saw how powerful faith can be, I realized that attitudes can change the world you see, I saw the light of God in her. I realized how God has always been there for me, trying to guide me when I am in a world of darkness. I must not fear or fall, but hold firmly to His hands, not to be swirled by the temptation and corruption of the sins.

You are destined to meet some certain people, they come and leave at certain time but God has a reason for you to meet them, to enrich, to nourish, to influence, to make you become a better person which is able to walk closer with Him. 

In Jesus's name,

We Pray.