Happy Chinese New Year

I loved the wrong person at the wrong time at the wrong place.
:) But God is there for me.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

This is the beginning of 2016, the year where my focus is about how to serve God.

There were quite a few things that happened last month that I did not have time to catch up on, but I have returned Left back to God's hands.

The decision was tough, but I love him, so I have to respect what he chooses.

I remember him saying that if you let go of something and it never returns back to you, it is never yours to begin with. I guess that is what I should do, and I should do this with no fear as I know he is in God's hands, to mold and to remake him into glorifying Jesus.

I have been able to get back with a normal routine with God's guidance and support, even though I dont know what future holds, but I always believe that He has a great plan and no matter it was joy or sorrow, I needed to learn to treasure, as it is what reminds me that I am still alive. :)

Psalm 23

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

Fear, or not fear

Another year has almost come to the end, with joys and tears, with sorrows and broken spirits.

It has been almost four months since the break with Left here, I wonder if he has ever come back to the blog and visited the dream we once held. Everyday, I wake up doing the same robotic routine to work and come back, I know that I should be focusing on God and trusting in His will but yet I still struggle with emotions and sorrows every night I wake up, after dreaming about him.

Love is a pain, it takes a second to fall in love with someone and takes forever to forget. I still see Left at tawkendoo once a week,  Seeing him happy already makes me feel content and happy :). The other Sunday morning, I was in the car with church people, and at the turning point, there I saw him in the car with his mum, I am not sure if he noticed me, but I saw him, as usual, wearing that blue shirt, he is still the same Edward, but yet, I am not yet to be in his presence.I see him, but I cannot speak to him, as I fear I will scare him away as I already promised to give him time, and feelings and emotions cant bring us any results but yet, I still feel.

I must suppress, so he wouldnt have to worry and so he can focus on achieving his dreams, and I have to accomplish mine.  Admittedly, I do fear of losing him from the very beginnings when my heart was touched by him, I looked at my letter to his confession back in 2012 and I suddenly realized that, the things I wrote about, the things I worry about, the things I fear, no matter how hard I tried, still ended up coming, I realized, the more I fear, the less I feel secure. The moment is you get  is the moment you start losing. When you start to care, that is when you start to get hurt. And yet, why do we still care and love if all those feelings led to nothing?

I was speaking to Pastor Sean about this morning. For a long talk, I spoke to him about a lot things about God and his words. And I began to realize the form of idolatry I was performing the whole time during this relationship, I fear of losing him, disappointing him and hurting him, this fear has taken over my focus on God and for a long time, I did not see this problem. I love him, but yet, I did not love God enough that I put all my trust and my life onto him.

During the sermon this morning, I saw the point of suffering that God has brought to me and Right in this relationship.  In Isaiah 51:15, it says " I am the Lord your God, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar".  God is the one that saw this suffering coming and He allows it to happen so we are able to grow in faith, faith to testify our love for Him.  To make us not rely on our ability and strengths but rather God. Yes, God did not have any obligation to mend my broken heart and this relationship as for a long time, I worshiped this idea of fear when God, the mighty God has been around me the whole time. Whom should I fear when you have God? But I did not see until now. God whispers when we are in joy and shouts to us when we are broken, with suffering, we are then able to see his eternal love and the power of His words.

Why should I fear of losing him or him losing interests in me, if I remain strong with God and walk with him? Why should I fear that he will find someone else, if I have God in me? Yet, in the mist of world full of temptations and ugliness, I need to stand strong and not fear anything but God, as He will entrust me with true happiness and. It is about my personal relationship with God, and fear of losing anything in this world is a form of idolatry and yet, this will weaken my bond with God, which I must stay firm, and wait for God to "still the waves of the sea", so I am able to grasp a glimpse of his power.

Trust and Faith

Last Saturday I met this wonderful lady called Frances who I saw the light of God in her. It was a busy morning as usual, where I got dressed up and caught the early 8am 130 bus. 

Rushing to the bus stop, I saw this lady smiling at me, I nodded at her and she said good morning. I nodded back and started talking about the bus to kill time. She was about 84 year old, looking healthy and happy, grabbing a bag with puppy design which I found very cute: 3.

 As we spoke about the reason why she was up so early, she moved closer towards me and that was when I saw tears in her eyes; that her husband passed away last month. At that time, I was not sure whether to hug a stranger like that, so I ended up apologising:” I am very sorry to hear about that”. 

She asked if she could sit down right next to me on the bus as we hopped on, which I found was very polite. And this was when I got to know more of her personal story.

 She and her husband had been married for almost 68 years happily, contentedly and peacefully. She said that she loved him so much, so when he passed away, she couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t walk or couldn’t go outside. 

“I loved him so much”, for a second, I was amazed by how much emotion the words came to me. I was speechless, for the power of love it came across me. The only thing I could do is to look at her as she continued to talk. 

" I could not get out my bed, I lost myself and the purpose of living every day I woke up. I walked into the same room where he used to be, everything was there but him. He was gone. I was devastated...until the God said to me, you have to get up.... that was when I realized that I must not live like this anymore and decided to meet people, to see the world around me". 

That was why she walked out today and met up with the lady who she sat down for 2 hours at the food court the other day. She told me how she went rock climbing, walking and doing all the activities that kept her alive and energetic, and she told me that how amazing it is to have the Lord in her life and that God will always love you no matter what. She then continued telling me about 8 great great grandchildren she had and how her 26 year-old granddaughter and her boyfriend quit their awesome jobs with good pay in order to volunteer and to teach English in Vietnam, and that they thoroughly enjoyed the decision  they made. From her words, I could see her pride in her children and the excitement she has as she will be travelling overseas next year to celebrate her 85 year old birthday. 

 We laughed at her silly things she did and how she told me if it's God's will, she will find a great partner to accompany the rest of her life journey. But he must love the God wholeheartedly, who does not smoke, drink and loves her. She said although she cannot see the future, but she knows that she is going to have a lot of fun, laughter and joy as she has faith in God. And I believe that was what God has been trying to say to me as well as our baptism session was centered on Hebrew 11:11 "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see..." Faith is a wonderful thing, the power of eternal God. 

  She swept my fringe as she looked at me and said: “you are still young, some or the world may come to corrupt your body, but don’t let them corrupt your mind, remain a truthful and grateful heart to the Lord, listen to His words." I looked at her, nodding my head in silence... 

When she spoke to me, I felt refreshed and happy, it was no longer a chat between an old lady with a young girl, but a heart to a heart. She was wonderful,cheerful, despite of the things she went through. From her, I saw courage, I saw how powerful faith can be, I realized that attitudes can change the world you see, I saw the light of God in her. I realized how God has always been there for me, trying to guide me when I am in a world of darkness. I must not fear or fall, but hold firmly to His hands, not to be swirled by the temptation and corruption of the sins.

You are destined to meet some certain people, they come and leave at certain time but God has a reason for you to meet them, to enrich, to nourish, to influence, to make you become a better person which is able to walk closer with Him. 

In Jesus's name,

We Pray.

The Season of Waiting

The season of waiting

I wonder since when time has gone past faster than it has used to be. It has almost reached the end of October and this week Right is going to take full commitment to walk with God and get baptized this week, I am feeling the mix of excitements, joy and pressure. Yes, it is like a marriage vow, for better or worse in life, you stand by strong and firm to the one you choose, and I have chosen God to be with me. In fact, He has always been with me, waiting for me.

The other day I was reading this article called “The season of waiting” which actually gave me some guidance about what I should be doing in my life. I found this article great which I also shared with Left’s besties as well. They are wonderful God’s followers. Here are a few things that I feel like reminding of myself every day, especially when life has got in the way, and you feel like giving up. 

So here is goes directly from the article:

1)     Don't Try to Do Life Alone

We often have time where we struggle in life, self- absorbing in pity, wondering why I am the one suffering this.  The author actually shared the personal experiences:  “Although meaningful relationships were the one thing I longed for above anything else, I was terrified of being rejected. And so I became known as the girl who never admitted a need, never burdened anyone with my problems. If there were tears to be cried, I cried them behind closed doors. If there were hurts and fears to be dealt with, I waited until no one else was around. I was the one everyone came to with their problems, but rarely would I risk letting them see the wounds in my own heart.”

I feel that God has spoken to me via those articles, as those are exactly written for me. After the break with Left, I tried to smile and try to occupy myself with work and studies, pretending like nothing really happened even though it still hurts inside, even though I know I still preserve a spot for him in my heart. So many times, I dreamt of holding his hands,feeling the warmth of his hugs but then woke up crying in tears back in reality. A hug can easily make me burst into tears.  It was painful, slow and scary if I did not have God with me through those nights.

But “God whispers when you are in joy and shouts to you when you are in pain”, this is exactly how I feel right now. God did not let me stand alone, this is a process He designed for me as He is doing some of his most powerful work on me. If it's growth, freedom, maturity, wholeness, and restoration we're after. Every prayer I gave myself to Him, He listened, He responded, and He guided me, and told me that I am not alone. I gave my burdens and suffering to him, He has comforted me and gave me strengths and power when trouble comes. Time spent with God in my deepest prayer is definitely worth it, as He let me feel how great His love is for us and that I am not alone. Without Him, I was not able to smile again and stand strong.

2)     Look Back at What God Has Done

The work of God is everlasting and always continuing, if you open your heart and soul to fil yourself full with Holy Spirit and remain a humble and a grateful heart. God has transformed me in many ways, and it is amazing to see how far you have progressed.

And I guess this is one of the great thing why God has kept me writing this blog, to write down and always remember the wonderful things He has done in us, because:

“It's so easy to lose perspective in a long period of waiting, but looking back and seeing God's faithfulness gives me the courage I need to keep hanging on. If he's already brought me this far, why should I doubt that he'll keep leading me in the future? Why should I think he's not going to finish the work he started? I'm like the Israelites wandering around in the desert, so quickly forgetting how God led them out of Egypt and across the Red Sea, giving them manna to eat and water to drink and rescuing them from their enemies. But I don't want to lose sight of everything he's done, even though right now the next thing seems so far away.”

3)     Figure Out What Makes You Come Alive

This is in fact one of the biggest messages God wanted me to focus, to figure out what my life purpose is. At work, our manager brought up a concept of Ikigai and invited us to brainstorm the meanings of our life and what keeps us up every morning. The first thing that I wrote down was God without any hesitation, but I struggled to figure out what my passion is and what my profession would be in order to fulfill my life goal which is to be like Christ and walk in the light of Him. This got me in quite deep thinking for a while, partially I always feel like there is some kind of unknown power filling me up with energy and optimism, making the person who I am now, but yet for many years, I wonderful why I was born like this, if there was a reason for this? And then lately I have been having this strong interest in ministry teaching. As I am still trying to figure my life puzzle pieces, God has slowly enlightened and left me with a clue, that teaching his words through the power of education is the way for me....

4)     Learn to Rest

I feel that this is still something I need to improve on, I just fear that if I stopped, then I will let sadness and emotions taken over me. But then I realised that God would like me to rest, just so my heart can come alive. Because "as long as there's life in my heart, I know I can keep waiting and trusting and hoping for the day when God will bring answers to the deeper questions I'm wrestling with." If God already lives in me, I should have no fear of falling back into sadness when I am at rest, because when I am with Him, I am not alone, and He will not let me fall. And Left also said that he would like to see a Happy, cheerful, healthy Right not consumed by work and pressure, but who lives with Christ and do whatever that pleases him. And if I cannot love my body and set it to rest when it needs to be, how can I continue desiring for God's blessings and others' love for me?

I pray that God can help me stay strong and faithful to His words, and so I will not be able to fall and lose faith and hope when troubles come in life.

In Jesus’s name,

We pray

Psalm 73

Psalm 73

A psalm of Asaph.

¹ Surely God is good to Israel,
    to those who are pure in heart.

² But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
    I had nearly lost my foothold.
³ For I envied the arrogant
    when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

⁴ They have no struggles;
    their bodies are healthy and strong.^[a]
5 They are free from common human burdens;
    they are not plagued by human ills.
⁶ Therefore pride is their necklace;
    they clothe themselves with violence.
⁷ From their callous hearts comes iniquity^[b];
    their evil imaginations have no limits.
⁸ They scoff, and speak with malice;
    with arrogance they threaten oppression.
⁹ Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
    and their tongues take possession of the earth.
¹⁰ Therefore their people turn to them
    and drink up waters in abundance.^[c]
11 They say, “How would God know?
    Does the Most High know anything?”

¹² This is what the wicked are like—
    always free of care, they go on amassing wealth.

¹³ Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure
    and have washed my hands in innocence.
¹⁴ All day long I have been afflicted,
    and every morning brings new punishments.

¹⁵ If I had spoken out like that,
    I would have betrayed your children.
¹⁶ When I tried to understand all this,
    it troubled me deeply
¹⁷ till I entered the sanctuary of God;
    then I understood their final destiny.

¹⁸ Surely you place them on slippery ground;
    you cast them down to ruin.
¹⁹ How suddenly are they destroyed,
    completely swept away by terrors!
²⁰ They are like a dream when one awakes;
    when you arise, Lord,
    you will despise them as fantasies.

²¹ When my heart was grieved
    and my spirit embittered,
²² I was senseless and ignorant;
    I was a brute beast before you.

²³ Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory.
²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever.

²⁷ Those who are far from you will perish;
    you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
²⁸ But as for me, it is good to be near God.
    I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge;
    I will tell of all your deeds.